It happens. Life just seems to balloon in and squeeze out any room for creative pursuits.
It’s happening to me, right now. I’m meant to add photos to this weekly blog of all the things I’ve been working on, but all I have to show you are photos of ingredients. No pretty holiday meal all laid out and ready to consume; just the mise en place of things that are supposed to be finished recipes.
Because I’m keeping this real.
I started an exploration of a multi-media piece about 3 weeks ago, or so. There’s no set deadline of any kind for this, I’m just giving something a try. Still, I would have liked it finished by now.
This blog is meant, mostly, to be a sort of running update of my creative projects, to both inspire and encourage those of you who might be following along. I believe everyone has the capacity for creativity, in as many different ways as there are different individuals, but we don’t always prioritize it in our lives.
I believe we should.
But life is unpredictable and, despite our best efforts as a human race to control it, life remains untamed and even a little bit feral. And so this blog is meant to record that, too, because, while being artfully creative cranks up the colors and the volume and the textures of the life experience, being mentally creative can help us turn the prism of our understanding, to find a new angle and a new perspective. Even (or especially) when life takes that unexpected twist.
I believe we should do that, too.
After all, we are all under construction until our last breath on this earth. We are all a creative project-in-progress.
This week, I’ve been self-reflecting. Usually, that sort of thing comes with a kind of fierceness, a mental violence I perpetrate on myself over past mistakes, missed opportunities, and the like. I simultaneously recognize my failings, and blame myself for having them.
It’s not a productive way to go about it, but it’s all I’ve known for the better part of my life.
Better part of my life. Now that’s an ironic statement, if ever there was one.
The reason I say “usually”, is because this time, my reflection comes without the usual self-flogging. It comes, because I have had a death in the family; my husband’s step-dad and a very dear man whom I have also known for the better part of my life. He joins my husband’s mother, who died about two years ago, sadly, and far too soon.
Being faced with death tends to make me look at my own ending in this world with a razor focus. I ponder on the things people might say about me, how I might be remembered. Betty’s death brought waves of uncontrollable grief for a very long time–she was as much a mother to me as she was my husband’s. But, eventually, I began to see her ending as the way of all deaths. Inevitable.
No matter how wondrous one’s soul, no matter how special one’s presence on this planet, eventually our time here ends. I don’t mean the statement as dark, or fatalistic. It simply is the way of things.
Which brings me full circle, back to the topic of self-reflection.
As I get older, I have a lot more life to look back on. Many more chances to regret, and to do double-damage-points for not only having things to regret, but also feeling guilty for feeling regretful!
But regret and guilt are time sinks. I know there are plenty of adages out there that apply here to “look only forward” “you can’t plan your future if you’re living in the past”, and all those empty words that make great memes but fly through a Facebook timeline as fast as they go in one ear and out the other while actual people are trying to get through actual difficult times in actual life.
But I do get it, finally. I have precious few moments to get where I’m trying to go, and every time I stop and flog myself, it breaks my momentum. It steals those valuable emotional resources I need to propel myself.
I’m pretty sure Dwain wouldn’t mind that his death has, among other things, given me pause to check my navigation. But I’m absolutely sure he wouldn’t want me to use it as new, inventive way to self-punish. Dwain would want me to be gentler to myself. Kinder. I need to start talking to myself the way I talk to other people.
The way Dwain talked to me.
Betty once called me outrageous. We had been wise-cracking, and I said something funny and off-the-cuff, and she laughed, and looked at me with warm, happy eyes, and said, “Jackie, you are outrageous.”
It set me back at the time. To me, “outrageous” was this terrible insult. It was one of those words that described the parts of me I’ve always tried very hard to suffocate. My artsy-fartsy traits. My penchant for “head in the clouds” and wearing jammie pants to go grocery shopping, and raising my Millennials with birthday parties where everybody got a prize just for playing games and there was no “winning”. As a kid, I was weird and hugged trees (literally) and wrote stories with happy endings, and loved shoes with strange colors I never saw anyone else wear–without realizing no one else wore them because they thought they were ugly.
I was not appreciated for my weirdness. I was mocked. Relentlessly teased. Violently bullied.
And so, when Betty, a woman I enduringly admired, looked at me with such a light in her eyes, and called me outrageous, I was shocked. I just tucked the moment away behind a little door in my soul, and left it there, puzzled and a little sad.
It has taken me all this time to realize she wasn’t teasing me. She was loving me. That was the expression on her face at the time, but I didn’t recognize it. I didn’t know she could think I’m outrageous, and at the same time, love me for it.
I honestly didn’t know.
That’s another lesson I can add to all the things I’ve learned from Betty.
Maybe it’s time I learn to start loving myself they way I love other people.
The way Betty loved me.
Well, our Halloween 2017 was, by all accounts, a huge success. We met lots of folks from the neighborhood who enjoyed our mutant maze, and we had so many Trick-or-Treaters that we had to raid a couple bags of candy we held back for “just in case”.
It was everything we hoped it would be!
Alas, the very next day, I was hit with the fever and fatigue that seems to be going around, around here. I lost some days this week due to illness, so I’m working to rebound.
But it’s been a great week, nonetheless! Much of the focus has been on my film studio, Big Imagine, because I am officially in pre-production for my first indie (microbudget) feature film! Principal photography (that means, filming) will take place in early summer 2018, and there’s a lot to prepare for.
This past weekend, my hubby (and fellow producer) and I sat down to work on our business plan.
And we also had a production meeting with our other producer, and good friend. It’s the whole production team, together again! We’ve done other short films and projects together, but this will be our first feature-length film.
I have another important meeting soon, as well, and other challenges that include making a good impression. Hey, I’ve been wearing paint-splattered yoga pants and bandanas for so long, I’m not sure I remember how to assimilate back into “out-to-dinner” culture!
But I’m excited to see the beginning movements toward making this film a real thing. It’s been a dream of mine for a long time, and sometimes, I thought maybe it was time to let it go. But I didn’t.
For a while, I did have to wait. Some day, when we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, I may talk about that.
But not today.
Today, I’m not waiting–I’m walking.
What’s something you’ve been waiting to do? Why don’t you get it down off the shelf and breathe life into it, with me?
#DontWaitCreate #TurnItLoose #GoForthAndRock
If you’ve been waiting for permission, I hereby give it.